Knocking

I love the movie Frozen. I must admit that I have had many jam sessions alone in the car, belting out “Let it Go” at the top of my lungs. However, I NEVER thought that it would be part of one of my blogs. It all started last week during Mass. The Gospel was about the persistent man who knocks at his friend’s door at midnight asking for three loaves of bread (Luke 11:5-13). After a little coaxing, the friend gives in. Christ says to his disciples, “I tell you, if he does not get up to give him the loaves because of their friendship, he will get up to give him whatever he needs because of his persistence.” (Luke 11:8). During the homily, Father was encouraging us to be persistent in our prayers. I shook my head in agreement. Then he went on to say that it sometimes takes days, weeks, or even years. Years???? Whoa, whoa, whoa. That made me wince a little bit. I thought I was persistent in prayer, but years?? Really? Could I be that faithful to God, continuing to turn to Him when I didn’t think anything was happening? Then that’s where Frozen came in. All of a sudden one of the scenes flashed before my eyes. I pictured the scene when Anna is singing, “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?” For all of you who are not familiar with the movie. Anna and Elsa are two sisters. They are both princesses and are best friends. Elsa, the older sister, has magical powers that can sometimes get out of control, so, in an effort to protect her and others, she is locked away in her bedroom. Anna’s memory of her sister’s powers is erased, and she is left in the dark as to what happened to their wonderful friendship. At first, Anna continues to run throughout the family’s castle, happy and excited, not knowing that anything has changed. She playfully knocks on Elsa’s door, asking if Elsa wants to build a snowman and is told to go away. She’s kind of bummed, but continues on with her frolicking. Soon she knocks again, still excited, but she’s turned away once again. Finally, after several years of knocking Anna runs toward the door, shuffles to a stop, contemplates knocking one more time, but turns around and walks away sad. She’s done knocking. She has given up. Imagine how hard it was to pay attention to the rest of Father’s homily when “Knock and the door will be opened to you,” sets of a full blown performance of “Do You Want to Build a Snowman” in my head. It was quite the battle, but it bore much fruit.

Sometimes we are Anna. We are ok with knocking at the Lord’s door, and we’re usually ok if He doesn’t answer right away. But, after a while, after what seems like silence to us…it gets a little old. It’s midnight in the parable isn’t it? It may be a very dark time in our lives: darkness in prayer, darkness in our vocation. It makes us ask? Where are you Lord??? We cry out in prayer, but all we hear is silence. So, we stop running to Him. It’s not going to work anyway right? We start to drift in the wrong direction, doing things our way. That is not the path that Christ wants us on. He’s the one that put us on that midnight path. He wants us there. “I tell you, if he does not get up to give him the loaves because of their friendship, he will get up to give him whatever he needs because of his persistence.” That’s not to say that God is going to answer my prayers simply because my constant nagging is so annoying that he’d rather just give in so I can quiet down, and He can get some peace. It’s because my persistence speaks of the faith, hope, and trust I have in Him. It speaks of knowing that HE is the one I turn to for all of my needs. We all have those scary “midnights”. They can be agonizingly long. Christ seems so silent, and you just want to give up.

I’ve been there. This is my fourth year of Temporary Profession. I am less than three years away from my Final Profession, when I am called to give myself completely to Christ forever. My First Profession is now three years behind me. There aren’t really any more “firsts” left as a vowed Sister. My veil is no longer crisp and new…in fact, it’s not even black anymore. It has faded to brown. Too much frolicking in the sun, I suppose…. The roaring excitement of newness has softened to a gentle whisper, so soft, that sometimes I wonder if it’s still there. Like Anna, I knock, looking for that magic, for the excitement! Yet, God is silent. It’s tempting to just walk away from it all. Marriage, religious life…the commitment is the same. At some point the extraordinary becomes ordinary. Surely there is nothing ordinary about the gift of one’s vocation. It is a marvelous gift. I speak of the feelings and emotions surrounding it. Whether it be wedding days or vow days, soon after, there are cleaning days and your regular, average “day to days.” That’s when the devil tries to creep in. That’s when you think you hear nothing from Christ’s door but silence. Deafening silence with a hint of doubt. You just want to give up. The devil thinks that that’s a pretty good idea. No. Do not give up. Choose to keep knocking. This is when your Fiat, your yes, is most precious. It is when your yes is purified. It is yes in sickness and in health, in the singing of choirs of angels and in silence. It is a choice. It is the choice to love. Knock when you can’t see Him, can’t feel Him and don’t even think He’s there. He’s there, right by your side. He’s there when you are afraid. He’s there with a heart full of love for you, your yes, and all the sacrifices that it entails. Knock.